The trouble began when a mysterious woman entered the estate buyers office in Delray Beach, wearing sunglasses so large they could double as satellite dishes. She placed a small velvet box on the table and slid it forward as if it contained a venomous snake.

“I need this gone,” she whispered.

The gold buyers and diamond buyers leaned in. They had seen rare gems, cursed artifacts, even a watch that traveled through time—but nothing prepared them for what lay inside.

It was a diamond. A flawless, shimmering blue gem… that sighed.

The Gem That Complained About Everything

The moment the box was opened, a voice echoed through the room. “Finally! Do you know how hot it gets in there? I’m suffocating! Also, who are you people? You smell like desperation and cheap cologne.”

The room fell silent.

The head premium estate buyer poked the diamond with a pen. “Uh… did the diamond just talk?”

“Oh, I don’t just talk,” the diamond said in a nasal, New York accent. “I complain! Do you know how many centuries I’ve spent locked in treasure chests, buried under pyramids, and—ugh—mounted on rings for rich people with sweaty fingers? It’s disgusting! I want out! I want a new life!”

The woman sighed. “See what I mean? I can’t take it anymore. I tried selling it to a gold buyer, but it insulted his mustache. I tried giving it away, but it refused to leave my purse. It chooses its owner.”

The Bidding War Nobody Wanted to Win

For the first time in history, the estate buyers had an item nobody wanted to bid on.

“Look, pal,” said a seasoned diamond buyer, rubbing his temples. “What exactly do you want?”

The diamond huffed. “I want a new setting. Something tasteful. Maybe a necklace, but nothing gaudy. I refuse to be a pinky ring again.”

The premium estate buyers huddled together. This could be big. A sentient diamond? Imagine the marketing!

But just as they were about to negotiate, the lights flickered. A gust of cold air swept through the room. The woman turned pale.

“Oh no,” she whispered. “It knows I’m trying to leave it here.”

The walls shook. Papers flew off desks. The diamond cackled. “Oh, we’re doing this again? I LOVE drama!”

The Aftermath

By morning, the gold buyers and estate buyers had abandoned the office, leaving only the diamond and a hastily written sign on the door:

"CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THE DIAMOND. IT THRIVES ON ATTENTION."

The diamond sat smugly on the counter, waiting for its next victim